Monday, April 14, 2008

If you give a mouse a cookie… he’ll take over your kitchen apparently!

So, apparently my sister Cassandra said she was boycotting my blog until I was “funny again.” Apparently self-deprecation and tirades about unfortunate mix-ups with Girl Scout cookies and the latest carbs I’ve fallen prey to is not interesting fodder… or food for thought (pun absolutely intended).

Fine, be that way… I shall move onto something more “interesting.” (I happen to find my food intake very interesting, but Danny saus I’m starting to sound like I have an eating disorder… which, hello! “Bulima is like sooo 9th grade… well, in my case, a good portion of my senior year of college, but lets move past that .. I have.)

Back to the GRIND.

There is a mouse in my house. (Sometimes I think I am too honest in my posts... first posting my weight, now this.)
But seriously, there is a mouse in my house. Probably more than one… I don’t really want to know. I just want Mickey and his friends to leave. I’m not trying to be violent; I’m not trying to build a better mouse trap… I just want him out.

I saw him scamper across my kitchen counter this afternoon (excuse me, I just vomited in my mouth.)

I really shouldn’t post this, because I’m not sure if anyone will EVER want to come over for a dinner party again… but apparently these things are quite common on the East side (“east side pride” my Kim-Kardasian-sized “A.C.E.”)

Ew.
Ew.
Double Ew. (The mouse, not Kim K.)

Danny refers to the deer and other creatures of Mt. Olympus as “his little friends.” (This actually stems back to when my little nephew Max, now 3, got bit on the finger at the Krohn Conservatory in Cincinnati last winter. When we asked him to recount the sad tale, he began his story with: “Well, I thought he was my little friend.”)

The moral of the story is, I want them to be my little friends (I hope actually there’s just one friend… this is one case in socialization that I don’t really want to grow my circle of love.)

I want them to know I appreciate them as God’s creatures… I’m sure they do something splendid in the circle of life… but let’s stick to the cartoon Lion King and have them take their rightful place in the animal kingdom which does NOT include eating my fancy crackers that are delectable with Brie cheese… they don’t need it… it’s not what God intended. I’m pretty sure I don’t need a “witness” about the truth of that statement.

It says Man is that he might have joy; but I have not seen ANYWHERE in the scriptures where is says “mice are that they might eat pretentious crackers!”

So here’s the deal… I got this new “Pest a Cator” and “Bait Block” for the bargain price of about 50 bux. (I know, those $5 mouse traps are a lot cheaper, but I do not want to see a dead rodent in my house… I’d much rather see a LIVE one scampering outside to NEVER return to the Suite-Cain-Mangum pad. )

So the Pest a Cator says that you just plug it in and its “patended pulse electro magnetic technology .. [will] send a pulsing signal throughout the wiring of [my] home. This silent pulse is intended to annoy rodents and may help with problems behind walls.”

(Again, excuse me… more vomiting…)

So, that is my “nice” way of saying, “GET OOOOOOOOOOOUTTT you filthy rodent!!!” (Which in this case, is completely literal in its meaning.)

See I’ve already asked them nicely to leave… after I screamed bloody murder… but I really did ask nicely at first. But I was afraid they weren’t listening. I don’t even speak a second human language… let alone “mouse.” Though I do have some ex-boyfriends who I am confident spoke “RAT.” (Just kidding, sort of…)

And if they don’t comply (the mice, not the ex-boyfriends, obviously)… well, I’m taking the very non Buddhist approach and letting them eat the poison where they supposedly bleed internally and try to find their way outside (Danny says to find water… I’d say to find a better resting place than next to our cheerios. That just looks gluttonous…even for a mouse.)

So they’ll be dead… and I may feel better that their gone… but it will kind of be like: “Listen dudes… I tried to warn you. But no, you needed the fancy crackers… and now, you MUST DIE!” Or their case, you’re dead.

Do mice go to heaven? I feel terrible.

Anyway, the box for the electromagnetic mouse-be-gone surprise says: “Within days you may see and increase ub activity as “Pest A Cator” begins working.”

So at least I have something to look forward to in this little experiment : more little friends.

PS. After this post, you can promise I won’t be talking about what I’m eating.

11 comments:

Melissa said...

I think you are always funny, and you are my hero for saying it like it is; weight, mice, food, whatever.


That being said, I AM with your sis when it comes to the whole non-diet-diet idea (quit--it's a trap)!

alyssa said...

Gross about the mouse. I fixed the problem on your link. Now it works. Thank you.

Darth Spencer said...

Sabrina-
Let me drop a little truth bomb on you called the Hantavirus. Ever heard of it? Probably not from anyone who's ever had it because they are all dead. Hantavirus come from those cute little deer mice that run rampant on the East Side. They release the virus through their pee, poop, and saliva. I really hope you didn't share one of those crackers on accident. Though that may be unlikely, it doesn't really matter, because all you really have to do to contract Hanta is just breath in the airborn fumes from their poop. (If you see poop, spray it with clorox before you clean it up, that kills the virus).

Here's another truth bomb. The electromagnetic pulse things sound really cool, but they just don't work. So here is what it boils down to, would you rather have a dead mouse, or a dead human in your house? Did you know that when humans die, they crap all over themselves? Yeah, have fun cleaning that up. Not to mention the emotional aspect of losing a loved one.

My advise? PETA may not like it (they value animal life over human life), use a mouse trap and kill the rat bastards before its too late.

Cicely said...

Spencer- This is my favorite of all of your comments. I am literally crying right now.

Sabrena- Relax. When I lived downstairs we shared the house with them and I was pregs! Just send them upstairs and we'll adopt our new house mates.

ps. if you really send them upstairs I'll Hauntavirus your face.

SJ & family said...

Suite,
So sorry about your mouse problem! We had mice in our house about a year ago. I won't even tell you our uber-nasty mouse story, you have vomited enough for one posting. The ONLY way to get rid of them is find where they are getting into your house (they can get in through a hole/crack the size of your pinky finger) and plug the hole(s) up permanently. (There is this cool expanding foam-in-a-spray-can stuff that works great. I think it is actually called "stuff") Then you gotta use the plain ol' mouse traps to catch the ones that are left in your house (cuz now they can't get out, see?). Let us all know how the story ends! Good luck!! :o)
~SJ

Alison said...

i liked hearing about your non-diet!! We are all on one and can relate:) always fun to read your blog... even if it's about mice:)

swensen clan said...

I like your blog no matter what you write! Also, you are a lot nicer about mice than I would be. I would kill the thing - sorry to tell you this but those little creatures multiply like no tomorrow! So get rid of it or you will have more! I am sure you appreciate me telling you this!

aimee heff said...

we had mice for a while in our old apartment and the only thing that really worked well was the good old fashion mouse traps. it took a couple rounds but we showed them who owned the place.

good luck getting rid of them. i have no guilt when it comes to them trying to live in my house. when in a field they are God's blessed creature but when they try and bunk with us i know they have gone to the dark side.

Kyle, Adrienne & Hayden said...

Suite- I love you to death. You make me laugh no matter what you write about! Good luck with the mouse problem.

WIKKY said...

I can't believe it, we are having the same problem... oh wait, we have rats on our front porch so I think our problem is a little bigger than yours. Although, they are not running on my countertops, gross! The traps really do work, and just think about this... the rat traps are four times the size. We caught one on our front porch and I started to cry because I couldn't believe it was my fault that I killed the poor little (big) guy! But... you've gotta do it. Those sticky paper things work but they get stuck and don't die, so they are there alive!!! Go with the trap idea, much faster. Good luck!

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