Baby on the Way

It's Tuesday morning and I've been up since before four. (This happens to me a few nights a week. Maybe it's practice for late-night/early-morning nursing?) Danny and Holden tucked me in last night at nine -- I had a bad case of 42 WEEKS PREGNANT!

Part of me is wondering how I've lasted this long. This morning my skin feels tight and puffy, like I've been on an international flight to Tokyo or something -- seated in coach.

I keep getting friendly texts: "Any baby yet?" or my favorite "How's your cervix?" (Favorable, as far as we can tell... thank you for asking.) I get the feeling I'm not the only person anxious for this kid to make their debut on the outside.

My sister said that when people ask her if I've had my baby yet, she responds "What baby? I don't even think she's pregnant -- she just got fat." But it does kind of feel that way. With the advances in modern medicine, who really waits this long outside of women living in Ghana and those crazy hippies that eat their own placenta after L&D?

But I guess I do. And as much as I was riding the "whoa-is-me misery pregnancy train" last night, I am honestly so thankful for this extra time for my body to get ready for tomorrow's 7:30 am induction (unless by some miracle Baby Z decides today is the big day).

Yesterday the hospital called and the poor guy on the other end said he was calling about my "surgery on Wednesday."

"Oh you've misunderstood," I corrected him. "I'm not have surgery. I'm having a baby." Talk about killing the messenger.

"I'm so sorry," he said. But I just kind of laughed and told him I was "planning on a physiological process (aided by induction.)" He kind of laughed too... possibly thinking "Maybe she doesn't need surgery....but just to be committed."

While I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being nervous about being induced -- I'm in a such a better place this time around. As far as we can tell, all indications are that my body is really preparing for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I won't go into details -- but my "Bishop's Score" is teetering between 8 & 9 which is a good indication induction will be successful (apparently it's also an indication one could go into labor at anytime, but hospital policy dictates induction at 42 weeks (and I feel like I'm already getting 42-weeks and 5 days since their going by the ultrasound instead of my last menstrual cycle). So yes, actually, that would make me just 2 days shy of 43 weeks... isn't that CRAZY?

I had a Non Stress Test yesterday... the baby looked perfect. Plenty of fluid still, heart rate normal, moving around and having the right number of 'accelerations." It was reassuring.

That said, a few last words for Baby Z in utero.

Hi Baby,

I am excited to meet you. You've been so busy in there. I feel you moving and communicating, and I hope you know you are already so loved. We have had so many scares with you -- it's kind of ironic that yesterday you passed your NST with flying colors. It was like all of the sudden you were telling us: "Hey, I'm fine... in fact I'm better than fine. I could stay in here a few more weeks."

But the truth is Z - we really want you to join us. (And not just because Mommy's getting a bit uncomfortable -- UNDERSTATEMENT). We know you're already a part of our family; and it feels like life is on hold until you get here. Yes, there's always plenty to do (I mean, yes, I could get another spray tan, or clean out some junk drawers, or take up knitting--scratch that last one)...but we need you here.

I can't fully describe it -- but now that it's so close for you to join us, it just seems like our family is missing someone.

I promise to love and cherish you.

I promise to protect you.

I promise to do everything I can to get you here smoothly... but you're going to have to cooperate too Baby Z. It's time to come.

I don't know how else to express that to you. I do believe we chose how we come into this world (your brother did not get the chance to hang out as long as you, obviously). I was younger and I thought I was prepared, and I did my best... but at the same time I feel like I failed him. But I know differently this time, Baby Z. I've tried so hard to balance the safest and best outcome for both of us... but we have to work together.

As your mother, and someone who loves and cares about you, already more than you already know, I am pleading with you to help me do this the best way possible tomorrow. Yes, I am scared. And I wish my faith was more powerful -- powerful enough to protect us both... and maybe it is. But I had to learn with your brother that I am not in control -- and I am still learning that lesson but I am trying.

Thank you for coming into our family. I am so excited to see you face to face. Hopefully it won't be too long...

Your loving mother

30 Days of Thanksgiving: (12/1/11): Still Pushing Along (but wish I was actually "pushing!")

I guess since I didn't get all 30 days accounted for in November, there's no harm in continuing into December, eh?

OK, the biggest thing that I am thankful for right now is that everything in the pregnancy has mellowed out; and Baby Z looks fine and all indications are healthy at this point. It's kind of crazy to think by my lunar cycle calculations I am 42 weeks tomorrow... that is a long time for being pregnant (in case you didn't know).

Thankfully, I've got a very involved Midwife, and the staff at the U is taking great care of me. As I've mentioned before, we're using the Early Ultrasound Dating as the due date for this baby; so by those calculations, December 7 is the cut off date for Baby Z to cook any longer (that would be the 42 week mark). I swear this kid is going to born with inch long fingernails... and who knows how big?!?!? Though truthfully I don't feel like I have a 9 or 10 pound baby inside me.

As far as gender, I've had two dreams it's a girl, but I'm still leaning towards a boy... I don't really know why. Maybe because 90% of the medical staff refers to Baby Z as a boy? Maybe because that's just what I know?

Anyway, here are some great things about Baby Z and this pregnancy:

• No longer posterior. Huzzah! One less thing to worry about.
• 80% effaced and dilated to a 2.
• Amniotic Fluid levels are normal -- still.

Funny thing about the fluid. There was so much worry with the Polyhydramnios and all the extra fluid; but I'm thinking it was just my body's way of preparing for a 10 month pregnancy. Anything measuring "5" and over is apparently considered normal fluid levels at this point, and I measured 11 today and 15 on Monday. With that kind of drop, I fear if I would've started out normal, I may have been too low by this point and most likely have been induced weeks ago (and probably ended up in the OR again).

So see, everything happens for a reason...

Which is why I'm practicing my patience (though it is soooo hard! I am so anxious and excited for this baby to get here! UGH!!!!) But I really want to give my body every chance with this labor and delivery... maybe this is too much information, but I got my membranes stripped today to see if my body was in fact ready and just needing a little help. Seemed a lot more 'natural' than pitocin. It felt like an appropriate decision. Hopefully something good comes from it.

As always, your prayers and positive energy are greatly appreciated.

Come on Baby Z... let's get an exit strategy going SOON!

Image from http://blog.tnsemployeeinsights.com/?cat=79

30 days of Thanksgiving: (11/28/11): Baby Z Update

OK, no baby -- yet...

But progress people!!! THat's what we've got. We are 70% effaced and at a 1.5 (OH YEAH! That's a whole half a point from last week...I'm surprised this baby just hasn't fallen out of me today.)

The non-stress test for this week looked fine (Baby Z passed!), and my amniotic fluid is normal...again. Huzzah.

I recognize I've been a little quiet lately, but the stomach flu hit our house with a vengeance. First Holden -- for 24 hours; then about 12 hours later....Danny. He took the 24 hour cycle, lost about 12 pounds and 12 hours following him I got my chance at greatness. (I can't think of a way to explain it without being vulgar or sharing details that may in fact pass on symptoms of the stomach flu directly to you.)

So let's just say my stomach was churning and heaving and convulsing and I lost 6 pounds over the weekend. I had high hopes the cramping in my stomach would start some contractions and send me into labor, and it definitely brought some on, but nothing stuck (including any Thanksgiving leftovers I had partaken in earlier on Friday for lunch.)

The good news was, I woke up Sunday morning without cankles and no longer feeling bloated. Totally awesome.

Who gets that kind of a gift in their pregnancy past 40 weeks? See, every cloud has a silver lining.

Image from http://olaabdolhai.blogspot.com

30 Days of Thanksgiving: (11/21/11): More Good News Baby Z

Embracing the Early Ultrasound due date of November 23rd, I approached my (almost) 40-week appointment with a little trepidation today. I still hadn't been 'checked' -- operating under the impression that no news was good news.

As you may recall, with Holden after my induction started and we had undergone about 18 hours of intervention, I was dilated to a 1.5 and still not effaced...so I really didn't want to hear that I wasn't progressing.

When the nurse asked if I wanted to be checked, I responded "not really"...but figured I'd leave it up to my midwife (Lisa).

"I think we should check you," Lisa said.

And guess what?

I'm 50% effaced and dilated to a ONE!

Now I recognize for some, that would be seriously sobering news. But for me, it was such welcome news I started crying and hugged my Midwife.To me, it said "Guess what Sabrena, your body IS capable of doing this. You're not broken. To top it all off, my NST and today's "mini-ultrasound" showed for nearly the 3rd week in a row my amniotic fluid levels are normal.

OK, sure Baby Z is still posterior, but I have every confidence in the world that Baby Z and my body will find a way to work that out too (the fact that I'm going to a Chiropractor for the "Webster Method" on Lisa's recommendation doesn't hurt, either).

Friends, you're prayers and positive energy is SERIOUSLY working.... keep it coming.

30 days of Thanksgiving: (11/4/11) At this point, just grateful:

So as I near the end of this pregnancy, there are certain things I can be thankful for (since it's hard to find a silver lining outside of "baby will be here soon" when you look like a bloated hippo).

At this point I'm thankful:

• I can still wear my wedding band and engagement ring
• I've only had problem getting into one (ok maybe two?) public restrooms*
• I don't get/have stretch marks...I really doubt they'll manifest themselves in the next two weeks
• My blood pressure has been normal the whole time
• My wardrobe may not be glamorous but thanks to a kind sister and my last baby born in Feb, I've got plenty of Fall maternity clothes to wear
• I can see a light at the end of the tunnel...I think

An Open Letter to Baby Z (34 weeks & change)

So here I am, trying to get caught up on what exactly has been going on with this pregnancy. I was so much better about it with Holden…but things are just different this time. That said, you know how sometimes you blog to document but it’s more for yourself than the blogosphere? Yes, this is one of those occasions. I feel like I should be apologizing for the length of this post, but again, it's really more for me than for you…though as always, you are welcome to partake.

October 3, 2011 at 32 weeks+5 days and obviously counting.

This baby has obviously not "dropped" yet.

Dear Baby Z,

I know I haven’t spent a lot of time documenting your awesome adventures, but the truth is, I feel like we’ve needed to be a little private about you.

Thanks to absurd amounts of technology, the medical community can now scare a mother into thinking hers is a high risk pregnancy without anything ever really being wrong!

I think you know the gist of it, but just to fill you in on a few of the details since you probably won’t remember:

Early in the pregnancy our caregivers were concerned I might have placenta acreta. Yes, super rare…but it is a condition where the placenta is low lying and attaches to the cesarean scar…complications usually range from blood transfusion to DNC or hysterectomy depending on level of severity, regardless of how the baby is delivered. Months ago they shared this bad news with us and so we played the waiting game – “Will it be attached?” “Will it not?” Is mommy going to lose more blood than having her arm ripped off like Grendel from Beowolf? (I was actually informed this can be the case as there is so much blood concentrated in the area, and scar tissue, unlike uterine wall tissue does not contract and close off, in essence).

With a few exceptions, we basically kept this concern on the down-low until we had more information from the follow-up ultrasound (we didn’t want to alarm anyone until we had a better idea of what we were up against).

Ah, were my hopes and dreams for a physiological birth thwarted again? Not necessarily… Baby’s delivery still appeared to be fine, and I was still a candidate for VBAC. It was the afterbirth that was the problem (how exactly does it detach?). The recommendation was that if it was attached that I still try for a vaginal birth, but get an epidural because I’d need to be medicated for an emergency procedure in the OR…and if I wasn’t medicated that meant being knocked out for the procedure and thus, seriously delayed bonding time for baby. (Obviously if it’s between au natural and bonding, I’m going with bonding...feel like I totally got robbed on that one with Holden, and I didn't even have to be put under for my cesarean.)

Thankfully, we we’re thrilled to discover that our prayers had been answered and the placenta was not attached to scar tissue! Huzzah…looks like everything is turning up Sabrena, right?

Well they just couldn’t leave it at that. While the placenta attached where my c-section scar ended, the ultrasound had revealed that I had now been diagnosed with “Polyhydramnios” -- which is a fancy word for “too much amniotic fluid.”

What’s the big deal about that? I mean, usually people don’t have enough fluid – that’s the concern. Apparently I’m just so good at pregnancy that my body’s producing extra fluid to cushion your kicks, squirms and hiccups even more, right?

Well, not exactly….

Turns out the condition can lead to complications from uterine rupture to premature birth or stillbirth. The cause of the condition is unknown – apparently some women just have more fluid, sometimes it’s caused from a birth defect in the baby or diabetes in the mother. But neither of those seem to be a likely cause (I was actually showing low in my glucose test, and from all these ultrasounds all your parts (heart, lungs, kidneys) seem to be functioning well Z, so we’re not really leaning towards a genetic birth defect.)

The truth is, yes, my levels are still high, but you look healthy – I feel you moving a ton, and you’re developing right on schedule...

We’re getting Non-Stress-Tests (NST) weekly to make sure you’re ok. And even though I feel you moving a lot, you still managed to change positions so much at last Friday’s appointment that in 45 minutes you weren’t hitting their ‘marks’ – thus qualifying us for yet another ultrasound and discussions about being admitted to the hospital for overnight monitoring.

Me to Darling Ultrasound Tech: “Admitted? What do you mean admitted?”

D.U.T: “Well, admit you to the hospital for overnight monitoring.”

Me: “What?!?!”

See, I figured I was going in for a routine 20 minute NST, and nearly three hours later they were talking about possibilities of an overnight stay if you didn’t show them you could practice your breathing for 30 seconds.

Although you pretty much waited until the very last few minutes of our half-an-hour window, we passed! Not sure what that says about you, but better cooperation next time would be greatly appreciated from your mother, her nerves and crazed-hormonal-pregnancy-emotions.

Your father, always the tender heart, had made his way to the hospital and surprised me at the ultrasound. It was one of those times I didn’t want to need him, but I was so glad her was there. It’s amazing the power that comes from having your hand held by your best friend. (Remember this when you find the love of your life).

So I guess I’m done “bragging” about my easy pregnancies. The truth is, I don’t get bad morning sickness…I don’t really throw up. I don’t need fluids, and I can remain pretty active throughout my entire pregnancy. But everyone has their own cross to bear when it comes to conception, pregnancy, labor and delivery. I'm learning it doesn't mean it's easy/easier...it's just different. At one time I figured we'd have a 5 or 6 person family; emotionally, I think you may be our cut off point, Z. Mommy's had a difficult time dealing with the "what if's," and it's been no picnic for Dad either.

But yes, still hoping for a physiological birth with you - no meds, no O.R. and no complications would be ideal, but as I learned with your brother, my wants are not always reality. Our main goal - healthy baby, healthy mama.

I love you Baby Z. Hope to see you in about six weeks.

Barefoot & Pregnant: My IronGirl Details

Yep, that's right people. Turns out over the past three months-- that have included a raw food week, two triathlons AND pole dancing lesson-- I have also been growing a little person inside of me. Huzzah!

I'm just past the 12 week mark, so of course it's time to share the news with the blogosphere.

That said, I hope you understand a little more fully why my tri-training kind of went to pot last month. I finished the SHAC triathlon with a renewed sense of determination, getting a little taste of what this body could be capable of...and then that blessed first trimester exhaustion hit me, and my ever so familiar aversion to the nauseating scent of fried chicken. Once that happened, I realized it was time to find out if my (as they say in Juno) "Eggo's prego."

OK, so recap on the race (if you're interested):

800 m swim (17 minutes, 1 second): Super crazy turbulent waters. And we started pretty far in the back of the pack so by the time I got in the water I felt like a fish in a koi pond feeding. Swimming in open water is NOTHING like swimming in a pool. Form flies out the door to keep your bearings because you literally cannot see in front of you.

Transition 1: (6 minutes 7 seconds.) I should've practiced getting that wet suit off before race day... it was pretty comical. And yes, I kick it old school style started the bike in my swimsuit (no bike/tri shorts) and some vibrams. A piece of work I am.

14ish-mile Bike: (57 min 39 seconds): Yes, I'm disappointed in my performance here. But it's my fault. My chain fell off in the first 1/2 mile, and while I'm sure they had support teams all along the way, I think the race staff figured we could at least managed the first mile on our own. I was shifting on the uphill, and apparently my 'components' were off a little bit anyway... (And one would probably learn this if they had actually ridden their bike outdoors.) So failure to plan, is a plan to fail - eh? I had to stop twice (once to 'fix' it, and another because it never sounded quite right until around mile seven,) and even then I was somewhat limited to what gears I even dared use. I think it probably cost me about seven minutes... (frown and a huffy breath, here).

Transition 2 (1 min 55 secs): Dump the bike, grab some water and head out... don't even need to change shoes with the Five Fingers. Oh and I put on a running skirt, because as fabulous as my wobbly bits are, I didn't think Vegas was ready for my jelly....

5k Run (31:26): It didn't take long to realize that shoes would've been nice for the run. I was thinking it was 'trail running,' which is fine with the Vibrams. But a construction zone that is all rocks the size of my big toe and larger? Not really ideal for a newbie 'minimalist' (aka wannabe barefoot) runner like me. I felt like I had to be pretty careful about where I was stepping and I think that affected my pace a bit. I was hoping to be about 3 minutes faster on the run too...

So that takes me about 10 minutes off what I was hoping for. But Danny said I need to "stop being so 'effing' competitive" (no seriously, those were his words when I kept replaying my perceived failure to him, over, and over, and over again). And I didn't get much training in... e

So final time: 1:54:08

Looking back I'm actually pretty stoked to be under two hours... especially pregnant, right?

Speaking of this poor, blessed fetus in my belly... what I've already put the kid through!

Hey welcome to Suite-Mangum madness little one. This is just a sampling of what's to come for you!!!!

30 Days of Thanksgiving: Eight

This may sound crazy, but I am grateful for my body. And that's saying a lot coming from me... I've spent more than my share of 'therapy sessions' talking about my body issues over the years. Most of my life has been tarnished by the false belief that life would be soooo much better if I were just thin.

I had pretty much resolved myself to being the fun-fat kid.

But today, I'm telling you - it's time to be grateful for this skin. And not because I'm a size 4 or anything of the sort (because I'm not. Not even close!) But because of what this body can do:

This body was a highschool athlete.

This body played college volleyball.

This body did a sprint triathalon.

This body yogas a go-go.

This body birthed a baby.

This body was a human dairy farm.

This body ran 26.2 miles.

I'm not even sure what this body is capable of....isn't that freakishly fabulous?!?!?

After my finish at the Park City Pink Half-Marathon - mid october

Holden wasn't stoked to see me; he wanted to play in the hottub at the hotel

See, I don't want to miss an opportunity to appreciate what I've got now. Because I look back of pictures of me in highschool, from my swim-team days when you could practically stick a can of coke on my backside...my bubble-but looked like a genetic cross between J.Lo and Kim K...ghetto booty! But I was frustrated because my body made it hard to find prom dresses. I was strong and athletic...though all I saw was B-I-G.

Fast forward, the summer after college graduation...My first 'sprint triathlon.' I actually won my division. But I was far from content when I looked in the mirror.

And in a year from now (or whenever it is after we get pregs), when the baby's out and my uterus is making it's way back to a normal size, and my breasts look like two giant watermelons attached to my post-preggers-plump body, I WILL BE JEALOUS of what I look like today...

And I will long to fit into a single-digit dress size, let alone a pair of *my skinny jeans.

And I will be tempted to say "Why didn't I appreciate what I looked like then?!?!"

But I won't have to say that, now will I? Because I am thankful for what I have today...

PS. Special thanks to the Hammer Sisters for forwarding this awesome article my way that inspired today's post. You should definitely check it out.

*One woman's skinny jeans is another woman's maternity pant.... I'm just sayin'.

30 Days of Thanksgiving: Four

Today I am especially grateful for yoga.

I had a really challenging Bikram practice on Tuesday night (I kept feeling like I was going to pass out.) And not just because the room was more than 105 degrees. And not because it's supposed to be kept at 40% humidity but was WELL past that mark. And not because I was dripping sweat from every pore and my body was detoxing from some Halloween splurges (like an entire Snickers Bar! And that is not the full extent of the damage UGH!)... and taking a week off from being a little under the weather (read: 5th chakra blockage = sore throat turns into FULL BLOWN COLD!)

Actually, I was dehydrated before we started; and I kind of neglected eating a bit (not that my body couldn't use a bit more of those). But the vessel was just telling me I was being stupid and I need to take care of myself if I'm going to subject it to such extremities.

However, it was still a good practice. Because amidst the smelly carpet, drenched bodies and frustrations surfacing from deep inside me like the Hulk (that make their way out in class at the oddest times!); I walk away a better person.

Unfortunately, the only pictures of me I have practicing yoga are when I was preggers with Holden. While I love these pictures, they are also kind of funny to me. Take this one for example...

Let's play 'guess where Holden's back side is.' Ha!

I had such an easy pregnancy with Holden (sure Labor & Delivery were a different story.) But I credit my yoga practice for keeping the morning sickness away, my blood pressure down, my mind centered (ok well, as centered as a crazed hormonal pregnant woman can be) and bringing an enjoyment to the experience of being a pregnant goddess (as all pregnant women are; whether they know it or not).

My yoga journey has taken many twists and turns...classes ranging from Flow & Hatha, to chanting, meditation, Bhakti, Bikram and Mommy & Me with Holdencito. It's all beautiful and perfect in it's own right.

As we get closer to the "Eggo gettin' Preggo" time (whenever that may be), I'm just glad I have this slice of splendor to help me through... on and off the mat.

PS. I'm teaching a "Yoga for Diabetics" class and lecturing for the Diabetic Educators of Utah conference (or something like that) tomorrow morning. Positive Chi appreciated!

Sweet Release, Finally! (Or in the immortal words of Olivia Newton John “Let’s Get Physical.”)

So there are definitely some things a post-preggers woman is supposed to steer clear of for a better recovery… no heavy lifting and avoiding certain “physical activities” is another. You mothers (and fathers I suppose) know what I’m talking about. For most women, the doc gives you a six week window. But if you had a c-section, that time frame is pushed back another two whole weeks!

Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t exactly in the mood to be working-it gangbuster-style post-partum, but eight weeks is an awfully long time. Though it seems like so much longer. Certainly there comes a point during those 10 lunar months of pregnancy when one just doesn’t navigate the ins-and-outs of “physical activity” like one used to.


But with Holden’s 8 week birthday a week ago Sunday, I am happy to report that after a SERIOUS DRY SPELL the drought is over!

I admit, I needed to take it slow at first… didn’t want to be in over my head with advanced positions and the like. And granted my stamina just isn’t what it used to be. But it felt so great to be engaging in “physical activity.”

Just thinking about it makes me smile…

Hmmm, everyone knows I’m talking about attending my first yoga class post-natal, right?

Holden's Birth Story

So I've been meaning to post it (Holden's Birth Story) for a while... but it's entirely longer than I expected (amazing what you can jot down over the course of six weeks.) I'm sure if I would've written all of it within a week of Holden's birth, the details of the O.R. and post-op would have been more easily recollected...

That said, I think that the story is more for Holden and I than anyone else...but in the interest of true transparency -- I've posted it, if you'd like to take some time (and it will take some time) to read.

Since it really is too long to be a post, I've published it at Our Favorite Birth Stories.


Perhaps some of you may have experienced some of the same things, felt the same way, understand completely or think I'm coming from left field....

But it's our story -- and I think it's perfect in it's madness, messiness and divine intervention.

Ready Set...Go?

Sabrena Suite-Mangum, reporting (somewhat live) from St. Mark’s Hospital. Now it’s truly just the waiting/countdown game…

Here are a few funny things that have happened so far (juxtaposed with me complaining about a few things).

I had called St. Marks at 4 pm to see what time they wanted me here (we were suspecting around 7 or so) for the cervadil (sp?)… it’s supposed to thin and dilate my cervix, apparently. After we were given the show-time, the conversation finished up like this:

Me: And is it you that I talk to about getting one of the birthing rooms with a tub?
L&D Nurse: Well you can’t have that – you can’t use it with the cervadil.
Me: Well, what about tomorrow?
L&D Nurse: You’re getting pitocin and will be hooked up to IVs. You can’t use it then either.

To which my eyes got a little watery in them, my throat chakra was growing a lump and so I did my best to thank her before I quickly hung up.

My birthplan is crap… I thought. Everything on there says “Assuming everything is normal” or “Under the premise that there are no special circumstances…”

But there are special circumstances… I have an “unfavorable cervix” and my contractions are about as frequent as the KC Royals winning the world series (read: practically non existent).

But praise for the night shift. We rolled in around 7:30 to the “HUGS” alarm going off (you know, they keep those special arm bands so if someone tries to take a baby too far the whole building goes on lock-down.) So we got a first hand look at what would happen if Danny tried to steal away to Marie Calendars for a Super Bowl party after he’s born…

I was a little shook up because even though I have really been open to accepting whatever this pregnancy brings; the reality of it being so incredibly different than I was expecting has been a hard pill to swallow… even replacing “acceptance” as my mantra!

My throat got all lumpy again, because I still wanted a nurse that was partial to natural childbirth even though we were being induced… Conversation #2 went a lot smoother.

Me (through “sobs and sniffles with sniffles predominating”*): I know….this may sound ridiculous…. to even ask since I’m getting this stuff tonight and being put on pitocin tomorrow… (I can hardly talk at this point)

L&D Nurse: [Nods as if to say “keep going”]

Me: But can I still ask for a nurse that’s partial to natural childbirth?
L&D: Of course, do you want a room with a tub too?

At which point I told her my story about the phone call earlier today, she gave me some Kleenex, hugged me and made some comment about “that’s the day shift… we’re more relaxed on the night shift.”

She gave us Room #5 (Danny’s lucky number), and we got settled in (as best as you can at a hospital.)

I got our room set up:

My birth shrine or sorts with pics of Holden (one my niece drew, an a couple of ultrasounds) the booties my grandma knit (she passed away about 10 years ago but had given the gift to my mom to hold to for us until we had children of our own) and an elephant rattle toy from my yoga guru and friend Jami (Ganesh is an Indiana Elephant deity said to be the remover of obstacles.)

I put out my birthplan and wrote the words “Flexibility is the new Birthplan” across the top of the page. I also set out the cookies I had made for the attending staff and some chocolates.

The medical interventions started:
-the tacky hospital robe
-the IV
-the blood pressure cuff
-the monitors for baby and my contractions

But I do have a tub I can’t use. Huzzah!!! ;)

My midwife should be here in about 20 minutes to get the pitocin started… today marks day 9 of me being overdue…so the majority of the medical community seems to be in agreement that it’s time to get baby out… like Blondie “One Way or Another.”

*verbiage from “The gift of the Magi

Seriously? Seriously...

All I can do is laugh. My child obviously takes after his father.

Danny and I have often joked that we are six years apart in age because when we made the decision to come down to earth, I was in a rush to get here and took the first opportunity. While he said, "I'm on my way" ... it's obvious to me he then proceeded to catch a few years worth of Heavenly Sports Center and made his way down 5 years and six months later.

A man's timing is not my timing.

So here are a few things I've heard in the last week:

• "You're still pregnant?!?!" Most common reaction from EVERYONE!
  
• "You still have a baby in your tummy?" How Christie (one of our renters) phrases it ... when she says it, it makes me laugh.
  
• "I can't find your cervix" followed 4 days later by "You have an elusive cervix." Yes, that was my midwife Kat.
  

What can you do besides laugh when you're 40-weeks 2 days and NOT EVEN DILATED to a ONE?!?!? What is wrong with me? More importantly, what is up with having an elusive cervix? Is that a medical condition? ;)

Well, it could be a lot of things... or nothing.

I had one of those "Non-stress Tests" earlier today... so they check the amniotic fluid, and his size and heartbeat and responsiveness. The lady administering to me said everything looks fine, good... "He's really comfortable in there." She said, "Which is great news, or bad news I guess for you."

I just smiled and kind of half-laughed. (It was either that or cry.)

Kat scheduled me for a medical induction beginning Saturday night with Pitocin (ARGH!) on Sunday morning. It's a good thing the Bears / Colts aren't playing in the Superbowl, or I'd really be having a hard time (kidding).

Obviously, my preference is that he comes ASAP. (and not because "I'm miserable" or "Sooo over being pregnant"... I'm not. I'm fine. I may look like an oompah-loompah, but I feel more like it's my 2nd trimester again...I just have a bigger belly).

I really don't want to be induced. I don't want Pitocin... and I sure as Hades do not want an epidural (you know I have a fear of needles, right?).

But again, I am being shown that I am not in charge. I am not in control. And no matter how many times I remind myself that this is not about me, or my timing...it's hard to REALLY believe.

So I scheduled an appointment with an accupressurist for tomorrow. She said she's done work on girls who an hour later go into labor. Why not? I've got until Saturday night to try ANYTHING!

And yes Cicely, I know S-E-X worked for you and Alison...

Anyone else care to chime in on my crazy comfortable womb?

Holden's Due Date -- Um, Today.

In Honor of Holden's due date, I am watching this... 

It's worth the price of admission (free via "On Demand") just to see what a wacky bowl cut Hugh Grant had in the 90s. 

Truth is, I woke up at 4:30 this morning, after sleeping through the night (I'm sure I'll need a nap today)... so this may sound weird, but I woke up startled because I couldn't "feel" Holden.  I mean, he wasn't kicking, or moving and then I went to feel my belly and he was positioned so weird (I was apparently sleeping on my back) that I looked down and felt my belly and it was like I was only 5 or 6 months preggers again... 

Maybe I was just imagining things.  

And every time I wake up (even if it's just to use the loo) Danny thinks I'm having the baby. Not so... no real progress to report. In fact, I got "checked" on Thursday ...first time since the original exam because I just didn't really see a need -- women can be dilated  at a 3 or 4 for weeks or be at practically nothing and have the baby that day -- or so I've heard... 

So the exam begins and, I kid you not, Kat (the midwife) says "I can't find your cervix." And I was laughing out loud!  I mean, you need one of those to have a baby - eh? So she found my stuff eventually but I am not effaced, I am not dilated... no thinning, no effacement... It makes me chuckle just thinking about it. But also a little relieved. As I mentioned on Facebook (and here I think), Kat's out of town this weekend... and so Monday would actually be better.  PLus, it's a good thing because I am not so attached to having the baby sooner than later.  It's actually quite freeing. (But I guess it shows I'm a bit attached to Kat.) 

That said, I think it's great that Danny and I (may) get one more weekend as just the two of us. We went to dinner last night, and watched one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time.If you thought it was going to be The Princess Diaries of Dunder Mifflin, you were seriously mistaken! 

Also I'm making a public announcement that I will most likely be one of those crazy hypersensitive and overly protective moms who is going to stay home-bound for the first 2 months apres Holden's birth.  (Well, at least I'm making him stay in...the hospital has me a little freaked out about the whole RSV and flu season thing.) "Don't you judge me Earl..."

****

Post Script. Quote of the day comes from "America's Best Dance Crew" (yes, we are now having a lazy Saturday afternoon.)  Shane Sparks says, "Ya'll cloggers. Represent that." Did you have to be there or is that the funniest phrase ever to make it on A.B.D.C.? Because they seriously ARE cloggers. 

Baby Watch -- Weekend Warriors?

So, not much to report as far as Holden’s arrival. I thought he was coming last Saturday (no dice). Then I thought he was waiting for his Dad to get one final ski day in (happened, but no change in status). Yesterday I was convinced he was waiting until post inauguration because he was kicking and moving and was so excited… I thought, “He really is waiting for Obama to be our president before he comes here.”

Let's recap (you've heard most of this before, but it bears repeating -- mostly just because I'm rambling and clearing my mind):

• I made cookies to take to the hospital for the attending staff. 
  
• His nursery is ready. 
  
• His clothes have been washed in organic detergent (I think I've mentioned that already).
  
• We’ve got every kind of diaper imaginable to see what works best for him (from pampers and swaddlers to “seventh generation disposable chlorine free,” “gDiapers” and a couple of brands of cloth – hemp, cotton and the like).
  
• I’ve got clothes to wear après delivery (really cute pjs from Nordies and Dillards). 
  
• Our “to go” bags are packed even though I think we’ll have hours before we need to rush to the hospital. 
  
• The house smells like a lavender plantation. 
  
• I’ve been drinking raspberry leaf tea and doing some other “things” to help kick start the process. 
  
• I’ve had energy work done, purchased “Chakra Spray” from Aveda and have even scheduled a pedicure to see if we can incorporate a little acupressure 

But yet, Holden has yet to arrive.

It’s not that I’m impatient (ok, I’m kind of impatient)… and surprisngly it’s not that I’m miserable (a little puffy, but not really uncomfortable)…it’s just that I’m so excited for him to come!

Tatum (his 5 year old cousin) told me yesterday "he’s coming in 3 days"… does she know something I don’t know? Probably. 

Also Danny gave me a beautiful blessing last night; but used the phrase “last few days of pregnancy" a couple of times – so I think the Lord’s timing is going to be more in line with my due date than an early arrival. (Yeah, I need to remind myself Holden's not even due until this weekend...and it's my first, so statistically speaking, he'd be later than earlier, eh?)

Thank goodness there’s plenty to occupy my time with…I ought to enjoy these last few days of me time, I guess. It sounds like it will never happen again.  

Bless my heart and my sausage fingers. 

Baby Yet? Ummm, not quite...

Sooo, we're on day 5 of the countdown until Holden's due date... he may come sooner, he may decide my womb is so comfortable that he'll stay a little longer. Personally, I think he's "holding"out for Obama to be sworn in until he makes his grand appearance.

I blame myself. I watched so much CNN and was such a political junkie during this pregnancy (how could I not be?) that I probably scared him into thinking it's safer to come out after the inaugural.

C'est tout. What can I do about it except for rejoice that his nursery is finally a feng shui space that is a bit more suited for his arrival?

So Holden, in honor of you imminent arrival; I thought I'd post some pics of what we've been up to this last little while... and a couple of faces you might want to get to know. ;)

This "cake" is a diaper cake your Grandma Stevie made for you (yes, your Daddy's Mom) and Auntie Annie (Danny's sister). If you'll notice they put a puppy on the top (compliments of Aunt Brooke's former beanie baby collection). This thing was choc ful of not just diapers, but socks, receiving blankets, washcloths and all sorts of baby-supplies. It was the centerpiece at the shower hosted for you a week ago Saturday...

Later that Saturday night, your cousin Tatum hosted a "show." It included her singing and dancing to Simon and Garfunkle's "Oh Cecilia." Also an A Capella rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" and "God Bless America" with her brother Max. (One of the highlights came when Max put his special twist on the lyrics: "From the mountains, to the fairies... to the ocean, like me foam!")

For the show, Tatum has also made individualized "tickets" for each of the attendees. Here's a sample:

My favourite is the one below... if you'll notice, little one, she even personalized one for you. She said babies are $1.00 (in my tummy) to come to the show; but apparently if you came out during the show, the price bumps to $3.00. I told her in some states she could get sued for that kind of pricing discrimination.

Next are a couple of photos of the "Ute Parade." You may not know this, but you have been through a lot of excitement this year between the election and the Utah Ute Football squad. Your Daddy and I went to the U of U game vs. the Team Down South and it could've put me into labor. The good news is, being preggers kept me the warmest I've ever been at a November game! We were also cheering the Utes from Eden when they finished a perfect season with the SugarBowl. Below, me and your cousin Tatum smiling at the parade.
Iona Key -- not sure how to spell that-- but he's a player for the U and he rubbed my belly at the parade for good luck! Huzzah! Now you've not only received numerous blessing and prayers from the Mormons, but Shiva Tae AND had Holy Water from an Indian Hindu temple. We're keeping our bases covered!

Here Daddy is with Tatum -- she's holding up some "Go Utes" signage and apparently shielding Daddy from some harsh UV rays! ;)

Hope to see you soon!
-mommy

Preggers Chronicles: Part Who Knows?

Dearest Holden,

I cannot believe how soon you’ll be here!!!! Due in just one week, but I think Saturday night or Sunday could be a good choice too. 

So Mommy’s been involved in some ridiculousness lately… here’s a taste.

It’s Not Easy Being Green

The Dishwasher
Remember how I wanted the new dishwasher so bad so that it didn’t hit my toe when I opened the door, and so our dishes would be REALLY clean even if we used natural products that don’t have phosphates?

Well, we’re working on it… but your Uncle Gary told me that with how old our dishwasher is we ought to try something that wasn’t sooo eco friendly. I've been using the Lemon 7th Generation variety.
Apparently my green-option was not doing the job...so we gave Cascade another chance. My dishes are the cleanest they’ve been since we moved in this house…but I am no longer phosphate free.

The Great Diaper Dilemma
Well, I told you we got some gDiapers for your arrival. Mama Suite and I also went to Riverton to get you some cloth-cloth ones too… turns out that fancy “all natural lavender laundry detergent with soy based fabric softener” I got to wash all of your things in is not the best option for washing cloth diaper inserts (be it hemp or cotton) because of the coconut and lavender oils… apparently they build up on the fabric; so even though their natural, I’m better off using tide to wash your diapers (I can’t win). 

My Size and What Comes with That

Walrus or Not…
OK, this is going to sound weird, but I’m doing much better with how large I am. I turn sideways and can’t figure out who the person in the mirror is, but I’ve been so lucky not to have all that swelling and what not (there was that little stint for about a week or two that my piggy toes and finger were totally popped and puffed sausages)...

But since I’ve been drinking more water it’s really been ok. And since you’ve “dropped” (huzzah!) I can breath so much better. I even slept through the night last night (what a good boy you are!)

Also, have I mentioned that due to my belly I have closed car doors on it (not realizing how far it sticks out), that I prefer the handicapped stall for public restrooms because it’s nearly impossible to close a normal stall door and fit inside if the toilet is placed too close to the door.

Going Potty
Speaking of restrooms (WARNING – READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! MESSAGES IN THE FOLLOWNG STORY MAY MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE TOWARDS ME).

So on Wed, I had a lunch date with Auntie Linney (aka Lindsay Morgan).

We hit up Red Butte because your father would much rather go to TGI Friday’s if we’re choosing to eat on Foothill. ;) After we had said our goodbyes, and I had done a little shopping (more lavender, huzzah!) I popped back inside the restaurant to use the loo. I wouldn’t consider myself a germ-a-phobe; but I did need to put a little tp on the seat (because let’s be honest, with my belly “squatting” is not the best option.) So I did my little tinkle and was on my way.

I went to the grocery store, ran a couple of additional errands and then made it home…when my lower back got a little itchy and when I reached back to see what the deal was (it didn’t feel like my pants-tab), I found a stream of about 4 sheets of toilet paper I had used to line Red Butte’s toilet tucked in the back of my jeans.

So on Wednesday, I was Freaking Awesome Pregnant Lady with toilet paper hanging out of her pants like a braided tail on the back of a 80s stoner’s mullet… And I thought all the looks were because I’m “such a darling pregnant!” Bless my soul.

Love you!

mommy

PS. Yesterday I lost the nursing pads I bought for nursing you.  I opened the package to put them in the wash and didn't find them again until this morning.  They were in the linen closet next to the bandiads.  Now I just need to find your baby book... any clues as to where I put that? 

A word to my son (Ok, 600 or so words...)

Dear Holden,

It’s been a while since I’ve written you. I know we spend a fair amount of time together each day; and that we have such an amazing connection (no I’m not talking about your umbilical chord, but that works too)… but I wanted to take a moment and share a few things that have been on my mind lately -- since you really could be here any day. Super exciting!

We’re past the 37-week mark: you’re scheduled to be here in less than three weeks. I can feel my “ute’ practicing for the big show; and I can also feel you running out of room inside me. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between what I think is a practice contraction and you changing positions/sticking a foot somewhere.

People tell me that it will get easier to breathe when you “drop.” I’m pretty sure with even just 2 ½ weeks left, this still hasn’t happened…but maybe today? Maybe tomorrow?

You’re coming into such a cool support system. I feel like people (even outside your family) are genuinely excited about meeting you.

The consensus is that most parents feels unprepared and overwhelmed… and we’re no exception, but I can’t imagine two people that could love you more than your father and me. It’s like you were hand picked to be with us.

You’re good for me. I’m hoping I’m the same for you.

I think it’s tender how you move when I cry…almost to say, “Mom, it’s ok, be happy.” And when I get a full belly laugh, I feel like you want to join into the excitement too – almost like you’re reminding me “hey, I’m laughing on the inside—literally.” You always clam down when your father touches my belly; and drinking orange-juice is like shooting an amphetamine right in your blood stream (you go wild inside!)

I think I like this phase of pregnancy the best – even though it’s hard to breath, and there’s plenty of “hurdles” with every day tasks (like using the bathroom, slamming doors on my belly because I don’t realize how big it is, bending over, tying my shoes, and just not having the energy that I’d like to get “my list” checked off)… but it’s so amazing to feel one’s body preparing for a miracle. I’m more at ease with how full-figured I am (yeah, this is not being “big boned”), people don’t just wonder if I’m fat – it’s pretty obvious I’m preggers and about ready to pop… And the excitement of your arrival being so close overtakes the other parts.

People keep saying things like:
“Are you miserable?”
“Are you just ‘sooo-done’?”
“Are you ready to get that baby out of there?”

And surprisingly, I’m not. I mean, sure darling: I want you here as soon as you’re ready (and definitely before the 41-week mark so we don’t have to induced). And yes, it’s hard looking and feeling like a walrus (although your father so fondly pointed out the other night that I do 'lack tusks,' so we’re not entirely similar in appearance – getting rid of the mexi-stash helps too). . . But I’m not going to commiserate about the last few weeks. Unlike most people at this phase, I still get to sleep through most of the night (minus a quick potty-break around 3 am) and despite what my care-givers and numerous of those baby books have said, I’m still sporting stilettos (I think it helps me not to waddle) for church and special occasions so all is not lost. ;)

See you soon… and like I said, “dropping” would be a good project for you this week, ok love?

Mom

Lowe's and Labor- A winning Combination

So yesterday my BFF from SG (Brandi Honey) drove down (over, across?) from spending the Christmas Holiday in Kamas with family… it was awesome! She is such a good a friend; she did not even comment on my sausage fingers (actually she did, but she just said she didn’t really think I looked bloated).

Which was great because I spent some time on Saturday and earlier Monday morning at Yoga; and I have also given up eating my weight in Chocolate Texas Sheet Cake for the past few days… and I think it’s really made a difference with the whole “bloating” factor. Eeek! What a horrible word – bloat. It’s almost as bad as “moist” – but for entirely different reasons.

Anyway, I digress.

We had lunch at Porcupine (“Chicken Soup for the Skiers Soul”) and she almost went into cardiac arrest when a neighboring table was brought out the ½ order of nachos… (yes, the ½ order is larger than your head).

Then we went to Lowe’s to “Build Something Together.”


"The Danny" and I have been in need of a new dishwasher since we moved into this place… but to invest in the dishwasher (because of the 12 layers of linoleum and sub-floor below) means new flooring; and countertops… and why get new countertops if we’re not going to get new cabinets? And wouldn’t it be great to knock out a wall or two to “open the space up”… you know how it is.

Brandi's husband is a big-time painter in SG and does Parade of Homes houses; and she LOVES that kind of stuff so I knew her opinions would be fabulous to have...

So yesterday we priced out things we can’t afford that would be perfect; and things we can afford that aren’t worth it. It was a great afternoon!

Last thoughts – Yesterday when I walked past a table at Porcupine that had ordered a FULL-ORDER of nachos (2 adults and one child?!?!? Come on! That’s like eating 2 Thanksgiving Dinners each!) I found myself self-narrating their experience:


• “Oh my gosh, I just walked past a table with a full plate of nachos and it put me into pre-mature labor.”

Here are some others that may or may not equal the dramatics:

• “I totally tried to fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans and the pressure on my lower abdomen totally put me into premature labor.”

• “That man’s Christmas sweater was so over the top, the shock put me into premature labor.”

• “Edward Cullen is so hot, he totally puts me into premature labor.”

• “I just saw [So-and-so] from high school; and they totally got skinny. The stand-by jealousy put me into premature labor.”

Feel free to add your own… As of Friday, I’ll be considered “Full-Term” (ok, 37 weeks); so hopefully these things will just “put me into labor.” I’ve also heard that Raspberry leaf tea works…Care to share what puts you into labor? ;)

Christmas Countdown: 1st Day of Christmas

On the First day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
A session with Shiva at Flow Yoga S-L-C.

That’s right, Shiva Rea, Shakti goddess and master teacher graced Salt Lake with her presence this weekend, and I was there to receive! She’s doing classes all weekend, but one 3-hr session was a perfect dose for this yoga mama.

(I want you to know it took some serious cojones to share this with you… but as part of my spiritual awakening and getting comfortable with my new size, I figure baring the belly is the best way to do it! Besides, I originally took the photos to find something for the Make and Takes article I’m writing.)

Anyway, back to Shiva.

She’s such an insightful and spiritually sound teacher. In yoga, lineage is a big deal… and so my teacher, Jami Larson at Flow, has received a lot of her teachings from Shiva (Rea, though the Hindu god has also played a key role for anyone involved in the practice). So I guess you could say she’s my teacher’s teacher.

Shiva created Trance Dance (check it out on her website). And before you just jump to the conclusion that she adopted the name Shiva as some sort of awakening once she “found” yoga, she was actually given her Indian name by her surfer father. That led to the beginning of her lifelong study of yoga at a young age.

I feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to receive from her today. Like I mentioned, class was about 3 hours and I had to make a lot of adjustments in the practice, but it was totally worth it. This woman travels all over the world sharing her truth and teachings… she gave me some great advice about pregnancy/birthing. During class, she kept referring to me as Pregnant Goddess which does wonders for the self esteem… and after class she even rubbed and blessed my belly/baby.

The "Bhagavad Gita," in explaining the process of birth/reincarnation* says:
Reaching the heaven of righteous
after uncountable years
that man will be born again
to parents who are upright and wealthy.

He may even be born to parents
who have practiced yoga and are wise,
though a birth as fortunate as this
is more difficult to obtain.

[6.41 - 6.42]

Namaste yogis. Holden will be blessed.

*This is not an endorsement of reincarnation from me. But I do believe that we have always existed in some form, and that what we do in each stage of our being determines where we will be in the “next round.”