It's Tuesday morning and I've been up since before four. (This happens to me a few nights a week. Maybe it's practice for late-night/early-morning nursing?) Danny and Holden tucked me in last night at nine -- I had a bad case of 42 WEEKS PREGNANT!
Part of me is wondering how I've lasted this long. This morning my skin feels tight and puffy, like I've been on an international flight to Tokyo or something -- seated in coach.
I keep getting friendly texts: "Any baby yet?" or my favorite "How's your cervix?" (Favorable, as far as we can tell... thank you for asking.) I get the feeling I'm not the only person anxious for this kid to make their debut on the outside.
My sister said that when people ask her if I've had my baby yet, she responds "What baby? I don't even think she's pregnant -- she just got fat." But it does kind of feel that way. With the advances in modern medicine, who really waits this long outside of women living in Ghana and those crazy hippies that eat their own placenta after L&D?
But I guess I do. And as much as I was riding the "whoa-is-me misery pregnancy train" last night, I am honestly so thankful for this extra time for my body to get ready for tomorrow's 7:30 am induction (unless by some miracle Baby Z decides today is the big day).
Yesterday the hospital called and the poor guy on the other end said he was calling about my "surgery on Wednesday."
"Oh you've misunderstood," I corrected him. "I'm not have surgery. I'm having a baby." Talk about killing the messenger.
"I'm so sorry," he said. But I just kind of laughed and told him I was "planning on a physiological process (aided by induction.)" He kind of laughed too... possibly thinking "Maybe she doesn't need surgery....but just to be committed."
While I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being nervous about being induced -- I'm in a such a better place this time around. As far as we can tell, all indications are that my body is really preparing for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I won't go into details -- but my "Bishop's Score" is teetering between 8 & 9 which is a good indication induction will be successful (apparently it's also an indication one could go into labor at anytime, but hospital policy dictates induction at 42 weeks (and I feel like I'm already getting 42-weeks and 5 days since their going by the ultrasound instead of my last menstrual cycle). So yes, actually, that would make me just 2 days shy of 43 weeks... isn't that CRAZY?
I had a Non Stress Test yesterday... the baby looked perfect. Plenty of fluid still, heart rate normal, moving around and having the right number of 'accelerations." It was reassuring.
That said, a few last words for Baby Z in utero.
I am excited to meet you. You've been so busy in there. I feel you moving and communicating, and I hope you know you are already so loved. We have had so many scares with you -- it's kind of ironic that yesterday you passed your NST with flying colors. It was like all of the sudden you were telling us: "Hey, I'm fine... in fact I'm better than fine. I could stay in here a few more weeks."
But the truth is Z - we really want you to join us. (And not just because Mommy's getting a bit uncomfortable -- UNDERSTATEMENT). We know you're already a part of our family; and it feels like life is on hold until you get here. Yes, there's always plenty to do (I mean, yes, I could get another spray tan, or clean out some junk drawers, or take up knitting--scratch that last one)...but we need you here.
I can't fully describe it -- but now that it's so close for you to join us, it just seems like our family is missing someone.
I promise to love and cherish you.
I promise to protect you.
I promise to do everything I can to get you here smoothly... but you're going to have to cooperate too Baby Z. It's time to come.
I don't know how else to express that to you. I do believe we chose how we come into this world (your brother did not get the chance to hang out as long as you, obviously). I was younger and I thought I was prepared, and I did my best... but at the same time I feel like I failed him. But I know differently this time, Baby Z. I've tried so hard to balance the safest and best outcome for both of us... but we have to work together.
As your mother, and someone who loves and cares about you, already more than you already know, I am pleading with you to help me do this the best way possible tomorrow. Yes, I am scared. And I wish my faith was more powerful -- powerful enough to protect us both... and maybe it is. But I had to learn with your brother that I am not in control -- and I am still learning that lesson but I am trying.
Thank you for coming into our family. I am so excited to see you face to face. Hopefully it won't be too long...
Your loving mother